|They're Killing Us|
|Original Airdate||October 29, 1999|
|Written by||David Brownfield|
|Directed by||William Russ|
|Guest starring||Meagen Fay as Judy Habberfeld, Dayna Pryce as Java Girl|
|“||There’s no way we’re gonna make it until June. There’s just no way. I’d do something very bad to Eric. I will…||”|
PlotIn a documentary-styled episode, Cory and Topanga discuss the issues that arose while planning their wedding. They tell how they didn't know how difficult it would be. Cory metaphorically compares their situation to riding a pogo stick through a mine field ("BOOM! Boing... BOOM! Boing...")
Their first problem was with the bridesmaid dresses. Deciding on a Gone With The Wind motif (without telling Cory), Topanga is eager to see Rachel, Angela and Morgan in her choice of bridesmaids gowns: they grudgingly walk out wearing Southern Belle-style dresses: bilious poofy pink gowns with large wide-brimmed hats and even parasols. Angela and Rachel are less than thrilled and try to convince Topanga that she is too emotional to make the decision. Morgan flat out hates her dress and refuses to wear it, even tearing it off, throwing it on the floor and beating it with her parasol yelling "Die, Dress! Die!!"
But the bridesmaids' dresses were only the tip of what became a massive iceberg: Topanga attempts to plan the honeymoon, but Cory gives no input. Topanga becomes upset when Cory indicates that the only thing he cares about is consummation, but then Cory coarsely points out that she owes him after 17 years of nothing, to which Topanga agrees; she also promises to call him "Don Francisco".
Cory's choice of best man also became an issue; Shawn tells Cory that he has no problem with Eric being the best man, but they both foresee that to be another problem; they think Eric will drop the rings down the minister's pants, go after them, knock down a candlier, and set the hall on fire. As Cory talks to Eric, Eric decides to demonstrate the "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" dance to prove that he should be best man, but in the process he knocks down a candle and sets a curtain on fire. As firemen arrive (smashing through the door to put out the fire), Cory decides that Shawn will be the best man, but Alan and Amy, not knowing what has already happened, have an issue with Cory's choosing Shawn over Eric. They demand that Eric be the best man, and Cory temporarily agrees knowing they'll soon change their minds. To celebrate, Eric lights a sparkler, then quickly tosses it away when it burns his fingers; the sparkler lands on the carpet behind the couch and another fire ensues. As the firemen extinguish the fire, Alan declares that Eric is out and Shawn is back in as best man.
But even more problems arise with the choice of dresses. Amy inists that Topanga wear her wedding dress, a hideous, musty, ancient gown descended from the Civil War era. Topanga doesn't have the heart to refuse, and Morgan takes delight in Topanga's misery and compliments the dress (echoing Topanga's exact same words), causing Topanga to lash out saying "Bite me!"
In an attempt to get things back under control, Cory and Topanga hire Judy Habberfeld, an uppity and somewhat annoying wedding planner who insists on being addressed by both her first and last name. They've invited 270 people to their reception, but the hall they have rented can only hold 65 (though they're not concerned because they know many of them won't show and, as Cory mentions, "most of the older people have shrunk"). Alan offers to pay for drinks and music, but the only musicians they could afford included a boozing elderly conductor, a hip-hop DJ, a one-woman band, and two Elvis impersonators on a marimba. Alan's solution is to hire Mr. Feeny and his jazz band to perform at the reception for free, but Cory and Topanga aren't fond of that idea either.
Shawn then enters the hall with Angela, Rachel and Morgan still wearing their southern belle gowns. Rachel and Angela each step forward and obviously lie about how much they love their dresses, but then Morgan comes forward and reveals the truth- that Shawn paid them each fifty dollars to lie, and Alan is forced to drag her away before she can finish saying "... and I wouldn't use this dress to wipe my a**!" Then, still bothered by not being the best man, Eric, accompanied by a reluctant Jack, enters wearing a smoking jacket and declares that if he can't be the best man, he's going to be the groom instead; he proposes to Topanga, (who had developed a stressful twinge in her left eye), and Topanga promptly attacks Eric with Cory's approval.
As the episode nears its end, after Cory and Topanga finish venting their aggravations, they've concluded that rather than wait until June, they've decided to get married next week; it turns out that they were talking to everyone all along. Mr. Feeny asks them one question: "You’re gonna go through with it this time, aren’t you?"
Cory: Y'know what's sick, everyone? We have been in a relationship for seventeen years, and do you know what I've gotten in all that time?? (to Topanga) LET ME TOUCH SOMETHING!!
(Morgan enters in another one of the hideous dresses, but stops at the railing above Topanga)
Morgan: What, are you psycho?!
Topanga: Morgan! You look so beautiful!
Morgan: We look like clowns!
Angela: Beautiful clowns!
Rachel: Cirque du Soleil clowns!
Morgan: No, horn-honking, big-shoe-wearing clowns!
Morgan: Shut up. I ain’t wearin’ it.
Topanga: Cut the crap. At least Morgan was honest. Well that’s it. If you guys can’t put on these dresses and get caught up in the magic of my Southern Belle wedding then… Who needs y’all?
Morgan: You’re from Philadelphia, stupid!
- When this episode aired on Disney Channel the honeymoon suggestion and Cory's line, "Let me touch something!" was removed when this episode aired on The Disney Channel. Topanga yelling Bite me! at Morgan was also removed. When this episode reran on ABC Family the tag scene with Cory & Topanga inviting the audience to their wedding was removed and replaced with the usual closing credits from Seasons 5-7, although it has since been restored to its original ending.
- Cory and Shawn are both aware of the problems that would arise should Eric be the best man, despite Eric having been Feeny's best man in "State of the Unions". However, Cory and Topanga planned to marry in a church with a reception at a hall, while Feeny and Bolander got married at Amy and Alan's house. Also, Cory and Shawn bring up the scenario of Eric dropping the rings down the minister's pants and retrieving it with both hands, while Eric did not present rings for Feeny's wedding. Despite Cory and Topanga deciding to get married at the Matthews' home at the end of the episode like Feeny did, Eric's reckless arsonry in this episode meant that Shawn remained the best man.
- There is speculation as to whether Cory's "Don Francisco" refers to the name of the American Contemporary Christian musician, or the name of the Chilean Univision television host.